Lost Humor
by MistyX
Summary: Everyone has their sudden obsessions... And what's with the nail polish? Bugs? Flying squirrels? Sparrow? Craziness ensues.
1. Shannon's Nail Polish

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**Dis-the-claimer:** So I don't own Lost. So, sue me for writing this. Wait a minute… dang it!

**Author's Note:** At the bottom. No, not _on_ the bottom, I didn't say that, I said _at_ the bottom!

* * *

  
" It wasn't my fault." 

" Of course it wasn't."

" I didn't know she was… so… so… "

" Obsessed?"

" Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. I had no idea she was so _obsessed_."

" And with nails, too."

" Nails, too."

" It's not your fault. Who knew she'd run on a tirade and paint everyone's nails on this entire Island?"

" Including _Rousseau_."

" And _Lock_. _Walt_."

" And _Jack_."

Suddenly, a giant roaring scream was heard from the other side of the camp. Boone and Charlie turned to the direction from where the scream came from, where they could see a grinning Shannon running as fast as she could, nail polish in her hands. They looked at her as she ran past them, but then turned once more toward where the scream had come from…

… only to see what could only be described as a very, very angry Sawyer stampeding their way.

And a Sawyer with bright pink nails, none the less they both noticed. No wonder he was mad.

" Boone!" he shouted, approaching them. " What the fuck has your sister been sniffing! Look at what she did to me!" He sprayed out his fingers before them, and even though they both were a bit intimidated by them man, none could help but laugh out helplessly in big guffaws. Sawyer didn't look as amused.

" Did you _let her_ to that to you?" Charlie asked between laughs, and Sawyer's brows frowned, anger seeping from his very existence. All very amusing to Boone and Charlie, none the less.

" _Let_ her!" he shouted, growing more angry. Of course, this only supplied more amusement for Boone and Charlie. " I was frickin' asleep when she did this to me! Woke me up asking if I wanted my toes done, as well…." Suddenly, both Boone and Charlie looked down to Sawyer's toes, seeing that they were still their natural shade. Then, they both looked at each other's toes nails…

… seeing that they were bright pink, too.

And now it was Sawyer's turn to howl out with laughter, as Charlie and Boone looked at each other, then around the beach to try to figure out where exactly Shannon had run to. Hearing Hurley's screams, they didn't have to look for long.

" Dudes! Get your sister of me, _dude_!" Hurley ran up to them and hid behind Boone's back. Since Hurley was just a tad wee bit bigger than Boone, it looked like a big bear trying to hide behind the thinnest of tree logs.

" Hurley… come here… _Hurley, Hurley, Hurley_…." Shannon tried to lure him, seemingly mad over the concept of painting everyone's toe nails pink. Or any other colour which she had.

" Could it be dehydration?" Charlie asked to no one in particular, and they all glanced at him, then back at the crazed Shannon.

" Or the Barbie on her outside finally decided to take over her insides, as well, " Sawyer remarked.

" Shannon! What on earth are you doing to the poor people!" Sayid's voice could be heard behind them all, and they all turned to look at him. Naturally, they all looked at his nails first, and miraculously enough he had managed to escape Shannon's onslaught of nail colouring. She turned to him, forgetting Hurley as he approached them and her grin subsided.

" Sayid! Honey…" she said, apparently calming down. " I was just… " She stood by him now, giving him an earnest smile. He didn't completely relax, however, and for a moment glanced around to all the others. They just stood watching them, saying nothing, unsure if they should leave, but no one trusting Shannon's sudden calmness.

" I was just…" Shannon continued, looking into Sayid's eyes. Before he knew it, she had his hands in hers, pegging them down. Her eyes grew wide again, and the others watched as the evil, nail painting Shannon was back, full throttle.

" I was just thinking about your nails! And how they're not painted!" she panted out, gripping at Sayid's hands. Charlie and Sawyer were on her now, dragging her away from the confused Sayid. He just looked at her, as she struggled to release herself from the two men holding her. She kicked and panted, and he shook his head.

" Never should have found that thing, " he muttered. Still holding Shannon, Sawyer called out to him.

" Found what?" Sayid looked at them all with guilt, seeing that Jack, Lock, Kate, Michael, Walt and some others had approached the spectacle now. They remained silent, looking at the situation.

" Yesterday, I helped Shannon go through her suitcase, " Sayid explained. " I found a small bag with make up in it, and a couple of bottles of nail polish as well." He carefully lifted his gaze from the ground to look around at everyone now, turning his gaze to Shannon once again.

" You did what! Then I'll blame you for _this_!" Sawyer exclaimed as he held out his painted hands, spraying them for the world to see. The others, who hadn't known of Shannon's terror on Sawyer began to laugh, and continued as Charlie struggled to hold Shannon still by himself, all the while she was muttering incoherent things about ' painting the whole world'.

Sayid shook his head, and took off running n the opposite direction, whilst Sawyer took up after him. The other's laughter died out, and they turned to where Charlie struggled with Shannon.

" Should we help him?" Kate asked.

" Nah, " Michael said. Everyone shrugged their shoulders, and left the scene in which Charlie continued to struggle with the upset, to say the least, Shannon.

Hurley looked down then, only to find that his toe nails had been painted in his sleep as well. Walking back to the camp, he sighed.

" So… has anyone got some nail polish remover?"

* * *

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Author's Note:** I should let you know that I have no idea how this idea came to me.It's just a random idea, and a randomstory...And don't flame me because Shannon's the terror of this fic, I don't have anything against her! She was just the best well fitted to go on a nail polish tirade. This was just something I write because… well, _because _:)


	2. Jack's Attack

**Author's Notes / Disclaimer:**

I'm using a different style in this chapter, different for both the previous chapter and as well for my personal writing style. If you would be so kind, please tell me in a review what you think about it…

**Goldilocke:** Thanks for the review, first of all. Thank you so much for liking my reviews on **_In Hiding_** (for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, go and read _Leah Kate's_ fantastic **_In Hiding_**, now! It's superb. It, truthfully, actually never occurred to me that one might do that… enjoy someone's review like that. I've always browsed through the reviews of stories I want to begin to read, it gives you just the right amount of spoilers and a good grip about the story, and about the author, as well. So thanks for enjoying my reviews… I'll be even more sure now to leave one after every chapter :) ( I went back and saw your review for chap26, now… and sure, you can review a review ;) )

**KatieAnnie**: Haha, since you live there I just have to take your word for it. And, as for Goldilocke too, thank you for liking my comments on In Hiding. As long as that story exists, it'll always have my comments/reviews. I hope this chapter, which is entirely different from what I'm used to doing, suits you… :)

* * *

**Charlie:** How are they holding out?

**Boone:** Well… they're holding him still. I think that's good measure, don't you?

**Charlie**: I guess. I never thought that he could be so… so…

**Boone:** Obsessed?

**Charlie**: Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. I had no idea he was so _obsessed_.

**Boone:** I guess always saving people and helping people out gets to you in the end of the day.

**Charlie**: I guess so… Whose leg was it that he wanted to amputate?

**Boone**: Shannon's. She had a bruise and was complaining over it, and he was certain she needed an amputation.

**Charlie:** And whose hair was it he wanted to completely cut off?

**Boone:** Kate's. Said he saw an insect in it, and that it would nest and raise a family within her hair if she didn't cut it off immediately.

**Charlie**: And what was it that made them finally hold him down?

**Boone**: Oh… that was when he had stolen Locke's knives and had chased Shannon around the beach for a good fifteen minutes.

**Charlie:** And what's their problem now?

**Boone**: They're trying to figure out which one of the medical supplies is used as a sedative… and he won't tell 'em.

**Charlie**: Go figure. Bloody Doctor's…

- Cut to scene where Michael and Sawyer is pinning Jack down. He is struggling against them, and all three of them are sweaty from the effort. (Nooo, that wasn't at all coming from the fact that the author of this story happens to be female. Not at all.) Kate and Sayid are there as well, looking through Jack's medical supplies bag for a tranquilizer. -

**Sayid:** Jack! Apologize to Locke for stealing his knives!

**Jack:** Never! I'm a doctor, the best friggin doctor on this island…

**Sawyer:** That's because you're the only doctor on this island.

**Jack:** … and I was just trying to help someone for Pete's sake!

**Sawyer**: If you are going to curse, at least use appropriate cursing words, bastard.

**Jack:** No! I am not a coarse man… Unlike you.

**Sawyer:** Freckles, Muhammad, if ya don't find any tranquilizers fast I'll be happy to use one of my fists…

**Jack:** See! A very coarse man…

**Kate**: Hopefully Sun will be back any minute with those calming herbs she went after. #thinking# _Poor Jack… All that saving people finally took a toll on him…_

**Sawyer:** ' _Poor Jack' _! He wanted to cut off your goddamn hair!

**Kate:** Hey! Stop reading my thoughts!

**Sawyer:** Great minds think alike… #wink wink#

#All Jaters sigh and shake their heads#

**Charlie:** Wait a tick… that means you must have bloody thought the same bloody thing as bloody Kate, right?

**Sawyer & Kate**: O-o?

**Hurley**: Ha, dude! That means that Sawyer's thinking sweet things about Jack… #starts singing# " Sawyer and Jack sitting in a tree… k-i-s-s…"

**Sawyer:** #punches Hurley in the face, knocking him out#

**Charlie:** Tosteal a line from my unconscious friend here… DUDE. Someone's in need of anger management.

**Michael:** Kate! Help me out here… hold Jack! #struggling#

**Kate:** No.

**Michael:** No?

**Sawyer**: I never thought you'd miss a chance to grope at the doc, Freckles…

#Jaters sigh even more, wishing to smash Sawyer in the head for not understanding that Jack and Kate's relationship is sooo beyond groping… although they fancy that, too#

**Kate:** No, even though I manage to be strong and sexy at the same time I just can't get that close to Jack…

**Jack:** Why the #bleep# not?

#Jaters agree with Jack, Skaters nod their heads approvingly#

**Kate:** Because then I'd ruin the whole plot if this poor-ass story! If I get too close to Jack then everything will turn into a Jater moment and Jack will forget all about saving all the people and only be fixated on me until we got so close that something not to happen between us would be inevitable... #goes red in face from oxygen deprivation# ...unless the monster or something comes along to interrupt us, and then the author of this story would have to change the plot and be given a headache…

**Locke:** Breathe, Kate, breathe.

**Kate:** #takes deep breath#

**Jaters:** Then give the author a friggin' head ache!

**Sawyer:** And forget all about me? Don't think so… I have feelings, too.

**Jaters:** You're a brute.

**MistyX**: Shush, everyone! Now it's time to get to the part of the story where…

**Claire:** ARGHHH! runs to everyone, screaming her lungs off

**Everyone:** #gasp#

**Claire:** Who did this to me!

**Charlie:** #approaching# Wha-What honey, who did…

**Claire:** #interrupting# Who the hell cut off all of my hair when I was sleeping!

**Everyone**: #looks at Jack who is strangely silent#

**Jack:** #whistles#

**Claire:** You bastard! Your attacks cut off all of my hair, and why! Why did you…

**Charlie**: #leaps forward and grabs her, keeping her away from Jack# Honey, it doesn't matter… you're still… you look so…

**Sawyer:** Bald?

**Claire**: I'm b-a-a-ald! #starts to cry#

**Charlie**: #comforts her, giving a death glare at Sawyer#

**Sawyer:** What? It's not my fault like she looks like the female version of Locke…

**Claire**: #wails even more#

**Locke:** Should I be offended by that?

**Michael**: You're like the smartest on of us… figure that one out yourself.

**Locke:** I wasn't asking a question.

**Michael:** Then what the hell were you doing?

**Locke:** I was making a condescending statement. Moron.

**Michael:** Bald wizard from Oz.

**Sun**: Hello everyone! I have found some poppy and crushed it down… feed it to him and it will take its affect soon enough.

**Boone**: Poppy? In the jungle?

**Sun**: What can I say, I have magic green fingers…

**Jin:** It is true. #grins#

**Everyone:** Eeew…

**Sun:** I should warn you, however, that this will not rid him of his obsession…

**Jack:** If you bring that poppy anywhere near me I'll kick Michael and Sawyer in the balls.

**Sawyer:** Like hell you will… #ties rope around his legs#

**Kate:** Everyone's getting obsessed… I wonder whose turn it is next?

**MistyX:** #whistles#

**Kate**: Oh, no you don't… runs and hides

**MistyX:** Ah, come on! Well well… Tune in to the next chapter to find out who gets obsessed with what.

**Jack:** I already know what Charlie's obsessed off.

**Charlie:** Oh, come on…

**Jack:** #sniggering# I've found him with women magazines several times…

**Claire:** They have hai-hair! #wails, then runs#

**Charlie:** Damn it all to bloody hell.

* * *


	3. MarySawyer

**Author's Note: **This is made with no sense at all. Really. None. At. All.

* * *

**Kate:** How can something like this have happened?

**Jack:** It's most unnatural… I can't come up with some medical term for it, either.

**Kate:** And you checked him? He hadn't hit his head or something?

**Jack:** He was fine from all that I could determine…

**Kate:** #gasping# He _let you_ check him!

**Jack:** As un-believable as it is, but yes… he let me.

**Kate:** I wonder when this… this… madness is going to stop. I don't like the things it's doing to people.

**Jack:** You sure this isn't one of the few changes for the better?

**Kate:** Sawyer being un-able to curse _and _being nice to everyone? You've got to be kidding me…

#Glance over to Sawyer, sitting on a log with Claire and Aaron, knitting. Yep guys, _knitting_. And don't even ask me where they got the tools to do so from.#

**Claire**: But Sawyer, you really don't have to do that… I mean…

**Sawyer:** But I _want_ to!

**Claire:** Yeah, it's awfully nice of you to knit a hat to I can wear it over my now bald head, but-

**Sawyer:** #cuts in# You don't like my hat! #lip quivers#

**Claire:** No! No, it's not that, I just-

**Sawyer:** Cause this is going to be the bestest and most prettiest hat this island has ever seen, I tell ya.

**Claire:** I am sure of that.

**Sawyer**: #hurts himself on needle# Ouch, god da-

#Here; enter the **_magic censure squirrel_**! Dum-de-dum!#

**Magic censure squirrel:** #flies in, landing near Sawyer's head#

**MistyX:** Yeah, so he flew. So what? Just imagine he's called Rocky or something.

**MCS:** #points finger at Sawyer# Now, don't you dare swear, Mr. Sawyer! The author of this story is fed up with your constant swearing-

**Sawyer:** Like she's _really_ fed up of me. #wink wink#

**MistyX:** #drools#

**MCS:** … and if you don't do as I say I'll turn you into a twelve year old girl, and make you braid Kate's hair!

**Claire**: You can do that?

**MCS:** I could turn Charlie into Peanut Butter if you want to.

**Claire:** #considers# How about _both _Charlie, and the peanut butter? _Together_?

**MCS:** #makes face# There are some things I just don't_ want_ to do. #collects itself# (So- I couldn't decide the gender. Sue me.) Well, Sawyer, what were you saying now before?

**Sawyer:** God dandy it is sweet to be on this island?

**MCS:** Now, that's more like it. And remember, I'll be watching you.

**Sawyer:** Fu-

**MCS:** #glares, waves magic wand#

**Sawyer:** Fungus?

**MCS:** My job is done. #flies off#

#Kate and Jack approaches#

**Jack:** Sawyer, are you really feeling okay?

**Sawyer:** Of course! #gives Claire the finished hat# Why wouldn't I?

**Kate:** Sawyer… you just made Claire a hat. You _knitted_ it. And you're nice to Jack. I mean, even he finds it creepy.

**Jack:** I really do.

**Sawyer:** I just cannot understand what the matter is with you two. #grabs Charlie's guitar# Well, now… who is up for some Cumbahya?

**Kate:** O-O

**Sawyer:** #singing# Cum-bah-ya, my lord! Cumbahya…

**Hurley:** #chuckles# He-hey dude! Who knew that Sawyer had a singing voice! Charlie, you should team up with him and like form a band, man!

**Charlie:** But I'm already in a band.

**Hurley:** Yeah, but this could be like… like an island band, dude.

**Charlie:** And what should we call it?

**Hurley:** #points at Sawyer who is now down on his knees, rock star style, doing a solo to a Kiss song# Dude!

**Charlie:** Dude?

**Hurley:** #looks at him# Sweet!

**Charlie:** Dude?

**Hurley:** Sweet!

**Charlie:** Dude!

**Hurley:** Sweet!

**Michael:** #pushes them both# All right, knock it off! Stop stealing lines from other movies, you stoners!

**Walt:** #throws stone at his dad#

**Michael:** What the hell?

**Walt:** #snickers#

**Sun:** #comes running# I know how you can cure him!

**Everyone else:** #looks and listens#

**MistyX:** #singing# Stop, look and listen baby, that's my philosophy…

**Readers:** Shut up!

**Sun:** It is simple, really.

**Jack:** What do we have to do?

**Sun:** Someone just has to agitate him until he cannot take it any longer.

**Jack:** Who?

**Everyone else:** #whistles#

**Jack:** Ah, come on…

**Hurley:** It's just the simple truth, dude… The guy seriously dislikes you.

**Charlie: **You're not shibby enough for him.

**Hurley:** Dude, low five! #does low five with Charlie#

**Jack: **Oh, well. #walks over to Sawyer, stealing his guitar as Sawyer was in the middle of singing Lucky Luke's "I'm a poor lonesome cowboy…".#

**Sawyer:** #looks at him with his big, blue eyes#

**Jack: **#pokes him#

**Kate:** What are you doing?

**Jack:** Agitating him. #pokes again#

**Kate:** By _poking _him?

**Jack:** Well, I don't see you have any better idea, so…

**Kate:** #punches Sawyer# Hey, Sawyer! Jack told me to do that. Whoops.

**Sawyer:** #rubs his strong, well defined jaw# That was not nice of her. Clearly not.

**Jack:** Hey Sawyer… you stink.

**Sawyer:** I do? #sniffs self# Oh, I do, don't I… #gets up and starts running for the ocean, throwing off his shirt in the process, his blonde hair glistening in the sun, sun rays reflecting over his slightly sweaty, muscle toned body, every motion slowing down, his feet contacting with the salty water. He stops, splashing some water on his skin, droplets of water running down his brow onto his chin, down onto his lips, heavy eyes opening to shine along with the sun#

**All girls on beach:** O-O #drools# (Occasional murmurs of "Hot…" and " Chocolate sauce" keeps coming from them.)

**All men on beach:** Meh. We could have pulled that off as well.

**Girls on beach:** Somehow, we doubt that. You're cute and all… but he's downright _sexy_, damn it. #continues to drool as Sawyer stretches his muscles in the water#

**Jack: **#jealous# I'll take care of this… #goes out in water and starts beating Sawyer severely#

**Girls on beach:** No! No stopping of the ongoing hotness! #all jump Jack, dragging him away from Sawyer#

**Sawyer:** Motherfucker! #goes on a swearing tirade for the next five minutes#

**Everyone:** #as five minutes have passed# O-o

**Hurley:** Dude. Whoa.

**Boone:** I didn't know anyone could swear that much…

**Walt:** I didn't know what half of those words meant. Daddy, what's a cun-

**Michael:** #interrupts# Nothing, m'boy. It means nothing.

**Kate:** Well, at least he's back to normal.

**Sayid: **Wait a minute… if he's normal… then someone other is bound to get crazed.

**MistyX:** #evil grin# Oh, yes indeed.

**Locke:** Any hints?

**MistyX: **He's British. And he's in a band. And he ain't especially tall, either.

**Boone:** I know! Elton John!

**Shannon: **#swats head# He's not on this island, dumbass.

**Locke:** Never be sure about that…

**Charlie:** #approaching# What are you guys talking about?

**MistyX: **#shushes everyone# Nothing! They're talking about nothing.

**Charlie:** Then why did I hear Elton John something?

**MistyX:** Because… Shannon really digs him.

**Shannon:** I so do not!

**MistyX:** Unless you want me to kill off Sayid, oh yes you do.

**Sawyer:** No one even cares, sticks. #looks at all the women# What the hell are ya'll staring at?

**Girls:** Nothing. #sticks in tongues#

**Sawyer: **Ah, end it all already.

**MistyX:** Your wish is my command.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry, just couldn't help myself… Sawyer getting Mary-Sued sounded like a too good attempt to pass. Well, at least he's pretty enough, right? ;) 


	4. Charlie Sparrow

**Chapter 4:** Charlie Sparrow

* * *

**Jack:** What_ is_ he doing?

**Claire:** #approaches, with the hat that Sawyer knitted for her firmly on her head# He's singing.

**Jack:** But what's that in his hand?

**Claire:** A bottle of Rum.

**Jack:** And where did he get that?

**Claire:** God knows… All I know is that he thinks he is some Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl.

**Charlie:** #running around the campfire, singing# Drink up me pirates, yo-ho, yo-ho…

**Jack:** #approaches Charlie#

**Charlie:** REALLY BAD EGGS!

**Jack:** Sorry?

**Charlie:** I just sang ' really bad eggs'.

**Jack:** You've eaten _bad eggs_?

**Charlie:** No! 'Tis a song! Sung by me, Jack Sparrow. #extends his hand, twirling his very, very, short beard# Sooo nice to meet you, fancy boy.

**Jack:** #shakes head# But _I'm _Jack.

**Charlie:** You delusional or something m'boy? I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! #extends hand again, full Jack Sparrow grin#

**Jack:** No, Charlie, you're not. You're Charlie Pace- former singer in the band Drive Shaft. _I'm_ Jack. Jack Shepard.

**Charlie:** #eyes him, puts fingers to mouth, then wavering them around Jack Sparrow-style# I know… you're suffering from split personality. That's it!

**Jack:** O.o?

**Shannon:** #approaches# Who the hell stole all my eye-liner! #notices Charlie# Give it back, you much-too-short pathetic excuse for a dragqueen!

**Charlie:** I'm Captain Jack Sparrow-

**Jack:** #interrupts# _I'm_ Jack, damn it!

**Charlie:** #ignores him and continues# … Captain of the Black Pearl, finest ship on this island.

**Sawyer:** Well, the only thing it'd have to compete with is the raft, so…

**Claire:** #slaps Charlie all the sudden for talking to Shannon#

**Charlie:** Ouch! What was that for?

**Claire:** That's for you are talking to Shannon during one of my most sensitive periods… you know… after going bald… and giving birth to a baby…

**Shannon:** #slaps him for stealing the eye-liner#

**Charlie:** Ouch… not sure I deserved that.

**Claire:** And here's for letting Aaron play with the fire, using ' Cavemen have to be trained early' as an excuse! #slaps him#

**Charlie:** I might have deserved that one.

**Locke:** #approaches# You will be given a sign from the island to reveal your true identity.

#Suddenly, a random man walks in. Let's call the random man 'Bob'. Bob walks over to Charlie, hangs a sign around his neck and exits again.#

**Locke:** See? I told you so.

**Sign:** Me go IDIOT!

**Jack:** But wait… there was a movie with a Jack Sparrow right? Pirates something…

**Shannon:** Pirates of the Caribbean, actually.

**Boone:** You saw that?

**Shannon:** Hell, it's got both Johnny Depp _and _Orlando Bloom! I mean, that speaks for itself…

**MistyX:** .

**Jack:** Yeah, but what did they do with him in that movie?

**Shannon:** Well, they tried to hang him in the gallows…

**Claire:** Which I won't like very much.

**Kate**:_ Obviously_.

**Claire:** What's that supposed to mean?

**Kate:** A couple of moments ago you slapped him.

**Claire:** That doesn't mean I want him dead!

**Sawyer:** Ya women change ya minds a lot.

**Kate:** Exactly.

**Claire:** #confused# What?

**Shannon:** HEY! #screams# I was talking!

**Sawyer:** Like anyone ever notices what you're saying, sticks.

**Shannon:** You should just shut up, exile man.

**Sawyer:** I could make you…

**Sayid:** Or I could. _Gladly_. #grins#

**Kate:** #shouts# Enough! Lay off each other!

**Sawyer:** What? It's not my fault she's so thin you could do an x-ray on her with a 30W lamp.

**Shannon:** #seethe# .

**Boone:** Okay, I've seen it too! It ends with him jumping off a cliff-

**Claire:** A fort wall, actually.

**Boone:** … right, and then he disappears into a ship. The Black Pearl.

**Claire:** But was it really the Black Pearl?

**Locke:** Of course it was. The whole point of the story would be lost #cough cough# otherwise.

**Jack:** OK, am I the only one who hasn't seen the movie?

**Sawyer:** Probably had your head stuck in a patients intestines and were too busy noticing anything outside that world.

**Jack:** I'm a _spinal surgeon_, thank you very much.

**Sawyer:** Shit the same… you're a Doc, either way.

**Claire:** Wait a minute… #looks around# Where did Charlie, or the Captain go?

**Everyone:** #looks around#

**Charlie:** #suddenly emerges from bushed, totally wagging Jack Sparrow-style# Do we have any apples?

**Kate:** Apples?

**Charlie**: Fresh apples. Preferably green.

**Kate:** No.

**Charlie:** No?­

**Kate:** #nods#

**Charlie:** Oh, well… #jumps back into jungle to find apples. Suddenly, he comes back.#

**Charlie:** How about swords?

**Kate:** Not that either.

**Charlie:** I'll damn the French for that.

**Danielle Rousseau:** #swats Charlie's head#

**Charlie:** Ow! You… bloody skank.

**Claire:** #squeals# Charlie's back! #embraces him#

**Sawyer:** Hold your horses for a minute… He gets cured? In the chapter?

**MistyX:** Well.. one of you had to.

**Jack:** Why?

**MistyX:** #dwells#_ Because_.

**Jack:** Because isn't a good enough answer.

**MistyX:** If you don't want yourself marooned on another island, it's a good enough answer. I mean, imagine that… Alone, with nothing else but: Sawyer!

**Jack:** #instantly shuts up#

**Kate:** I wonder whose turn it is the next time.

**MistyX:** #whistles#

**Kate:** I'll run.

**MistyX:** I'll find you.

**Kate:** #says swoosh!#

**Michael:** Hey, wanna hear a joke?

**Sawyer:** No.

**Michael:** What's the difference between a flamingo and a ballet girl?

**Boone:** Why not ballet boy?

**Michael:** Huh?

**Boone:** Look at Billy Elliot…

**Michael:** I don't care about some little boy with identity problems!

**Walt:** #instantly runs and hides his ballet kit#

**Michael:** Just answer my question. Riddle. Thingie.

**Everyone:** #shrugs, shakes their heads and so on#

**Michael:** Both of them go twirly-twirly, because they're so girly-girly, but one of them stands still!

**Everyone:** O-O

**Michael:** #proud#

**Everyone else:** #cough cough#

**Michael:** #exasperated# What!

**Everyone else:** #walks away#

**Michael:** What! Didn't you get it?

**Everyone else:** #is gone#

**Michael:** #turns to author# But you got it, right?

**MistyX:** Eh… no, not really.

**Michael:** Ah, man… screw it.

**MistyX:** Yes.

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	5. Harry Walt & Rip offs

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry that I haven't updated in forever, I really am. From now on, I'll update once a week continuously, so look for an update on this fic every Saturday :) Or if you really don't like it, then don't look. Whatever pleases you please me.

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**Michael:** Come on, Walt. You can't sit there all day.

**Walt:** Oh yes I can.

**Michael:** How did you even get up there? It's like… tall, man!

**Walt:** I climbed. _Moron_.

**Jack:** #walks up to Michael# What are you two on about? A little father and son moment?

**Michael:** Actually-

**Jack:** #interrupts# Father and son moments are good. Really good. I mean, my own father never took moments to do these… well, at least not encourage me. All he did was tell me that I didn't have what it takes, and all my life I wanted to prove him wrong, but he never accepted-

**Michael:** #smacks Jack# Will you shut up!

**Jack:** My daddy never loved me! #breaks into tears#

**Michael:** Oh man…

**Jack:** My daddy never came to the knighting ceremony!

**Michael:** O.o?

**Walt:** That's not you, that's Austin Powers! _Moron_.

**Jack:** #sniffs, wipes tears# Well, it feels like it could've been me.

**Michael:** But it wasn't. Now, scram.

**Jack:** But what's Walt doing sitting in a tree? #takes a closer look# With a banana, round glasses and a wooden stick?

**Walt:** Idiots! It's not a wooden stick, it's a… the **_sphere of life_**!

#dramatic music plays#

**Jack:** It sure looks like a wooden stick. Kind of like the one Buffy used, only longer!

**Michael:** Yeah man! If Buffy would've used a spear, that's what it would have looked like!

**Jack:** Indeed. So, what's with the wooden spear Walt? And the banana?

**Michael:** And the round glasses?

**Jack:** That's right, don't forget the round glasses. It kind of makes him look like…

**Michael:** Harry Potter! #drops jaw# Oh my God, my son has become a fruit and wants to be Harry Potter!

**Walt:** Harry Potter OWNS me.

**Jack:** #pats Michael on shoulder# Good luck breaking through that force field.

**Walt:** Wizards don't use force fields, idiot! That was Star Wars! #shakes **_sphere of life_**#

#dramatic music plays and thunder strikes in the sky#

**Jack:** Oh quit the drama, sissy boy.

**Walt:** Thou shall shut your mouth. Thou art not Dumbledore.

**Michael:** Well, he can't be- he's dead.

**MistyX:** #swats Michael# Way to go _a-hole_! Now you just spoiled the latest book for everyone who hasn't read it.

**Michael:** Oh come on, every fangeek has already read it.

**Walt:** Actually, it hasn't been translated and published in every non speaking English country yet.

**Michael:** Well, if they can't read it in English, then… tough luck.

**MistyX:** #throws head in hands#

**Michael:** Well, ehrm… #turns to look at Jack# He looks kind of like that Snape dude, doesn't he? #points to Jack#

**Walt:** Actually, Snape has much more hair. And a larger nose. And is creepy.

**MistyX:** Oh come on, like you can't say every crying scene with Jack_ is_ creepy.

**Michael:** I really haven't noticed.

**MistyX:** Pay attention. There's been so many crying Jack scenes that the show should be rated " creepy" just because of that.

**Kate:** #emerges# Hey, be nice to Jack! What's he ever done you?

**MistyX:** Besides annoyed me? Makes me cringe and sigh every time he's on the screen?

**Kate:** …

**MistyX:** See. I can't be nice.

**Walt:** Hey, we were talking about ME! #shakes **_sphere of life_**#

#dramatic music plays#

**Jack:** Hey, wait!

#music comes to screeching halt#

**Jack:** We still don't know what's with the banana.

**Kate:** Banana? Whose banana?

**Jack:** Walt's banana!

**Michael:** Who's banana?

**Jack:** Walt's banana!

**Kate:** Walt is banana?

**Jack:** Walt's banana, damn it!

**Kate:** You're talking about a young kids _banana_?

**Jack:** Walt's ban- no, eeew. You have a dirty mind.

**Sawyer:** #emerges# She's been spending time with me.

**Kate:** #snicker#

**Sawyer:** #snickers back#

**Jack:** Stop your snicker!

**Hurley:** #joins in# Anyone's got a Snicker?

**Jack:** No! They're snickering. And it's annoying.

**Hurley:** Well, if someone ate a Snicker right before my face on this island I would be annoyed too, dude.

**Jack:** NO! ARGH! They were _snickering_! As in giggling, laughing!

**Hurley**: Oh. #scratches neck# No point in me standing around then. #leaves#

**Jack:** #turns to others# No, where were we?

**Sawyer:** #snickers# Te-he. Werewolf.

**Jack:** Werewolf?

**Michael:** #slightly panicked# Where wolf!

**Kate:** No. #points# There wolf. #points to Sawyer#

**Sawyer:** Hey! I'm no werewolf.

**Kate:** But you're wild… #flirt flirt#

**Sawyer:** You got that right, sassafras.

**Walt:** WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MEEE! #shakes **_sphere of life_** so dramatically that he drops it#

**Michael:** #goes over and grabs **_sphere of life_**#

#dramatic music plays#

**Walt:** NO! The **_sphere of life_** has found another master! #hops down from tree, strides over to Michael# It doesn't answer to anyone but its rightful owner!

**Michael:** It just did. And stop going all Lord of the Rings, you fruity fangeek. #breaks **_sphere of life_** in two#

**Walt:** #gasp#

**Michael:** Now I'll go and spread the pieces in random parts of the island, and hopefully they'll never see the light of day again. #walks off#

**Jack:** This is disturbing on so many levels I don't even know where to start.

**Kate:** Tell me about it.

**Jack:** Well, this chapter started out wit Walt sitting in a tree, although the author didn't say it was a tree at first, so he might as well have sat in the air for all we know-

**Kate:** I didn't mean it literally! God! Come on Sawyer. Let's go so you can annoy someone and I can watch and reprimand and then end up somehow in a situation filled with sexual tension with you.

**Sawyer:** Sounds good to me. #walks off with Kate#

**Jack:** But what about me? #looks over at banana which Walt dropped, now covered in flies#

**Jack:** #picks banana up# I shall be the Lord of the Flies! I shall rule the island! Muhahaha!

#his echoing laughter fills the beach#

**Jack:** Muhaha- #gets book thrown in the head# Ow!

**Michael:** Stop ripping off books and movies, man!

**MistyX:** #clears throat very narrator-wise# And next week, tune in for…

**Jack:** Nobody even likes this. The people who review pity you.

**MistyX:** Do not dis the reviewers, dude. Their powers is strong.

**Jack:** I'm dissing _you_.

**MistyX:** My powers is strong, too.

**Jack:** You're a fool. I pity the fool who wears my jewellery! I pity the fool who-

**MistyX:** #smacks Jack: STOP ripping of movies and books!

**Jack:** This is SO unfair…

**MistyX:** If you don't stop ripping stuff off and shut up now, I'm gonna make you dance the hokey-pokey with long blonde braids in your hair and in a mini skirt.

**Jack:** … and _that_ is why the Sox will never win the World Series.


End file.
